Happy 2013! Do you ever do that thing where you suspect something, don't say anything, and then blubber incoherently about how you "called it in your head" after it turns out to be true? And you don't get any credit, because you didn't actually call it? Well, here are some things I'd like to call right now, so I can later say I told you so with total credibility.
The year is 2032. Super-PACs are coming to the horrible realization that they have just poured billions of dollars down the toilet, because no relevant demographic actually cares that one candidate tweeted Marxist hashtags all through college or that the other once referred to his high school posse as his "bitchez" in a Facebook status. The much-prophesied mudslinging of dark social media histories has turned out to be almost as overhyped as the Mayan Apocalypse of 2012, Betamax (exactly), or LinkedIn.
Yet technology still manages to rear its ugly head. Just weeks before the election, the challenger's campaign is viciously thwarted by the makers of Snapchat...who have spent two decades quietly collecting material with which to blackmail an entire generation. Self-destructing photos? You seriously believed that?
Tragically, the humiliated candidate is murdered in a killing spree that same day by wife Taylor Whitmore, nee Swift, along with 30 campaign strategists and volunteers. Many heads are shaken; we should have known there was something a little off about a talented, rich and famous beauty who kept getting dumped.
Of course, the shooting is at least evidence that our country's right to bear arms has withstood years of onslaught by totalitarian pussies. Lawmakers finally came to their senses a while back and banned violent video games, because Auschwitz and the Battle of Gettysburg were obviously inspired by Grand Theft Auto III.
The author of this blog, having graduated with a degree in Sanskrit and Philosophy, is currently living off of food stamps in her parents' basement. She has sent her resume to every Dunkin' Donuts within a 25-mile radius and is feeling cautiously optimistic. In her spare time, she sells friendship bracelets on the streets of New Haven and belligerently encourages Yale students to follow their dreams.
In other news, laser tattoo removal is having a heyday because even "faith + hope" in classy, minimalist lowercase looks bad on arm flab. Also, everyone finally acknowledges that voice recognition technology is only slightly more frustrating than the DMV (which somehow still exists in a society that found proof of life on Mars) and renounces yelling at inanimate objects in public places.
Shockingly, there is no lack of school-age children. Despite such daunting handicaps as texting and hookup culture, Millennials have figured out how to date and mate just fine.