vapid q+a...i'll regret this in the morning

I really shouldn’t be posting right now – it’s one of those nights where I have snark coming out of my ears. It’s not entirely my fault. This is the internal dialogue I’ve been having all day:

Me: Hello, body, I’m bored and hormonal. What should I do?
Body: I think you should go eat red meat and dairy products and any white carbs you can get your hands on.
Me: Wow, I wish I could just crave chocolate like a normal person.
Body: Way too mainstream. It would be hilarious and unique if you were allergic to chocolate. If you eat chocolate, I’ll start bleeding out of your nose. Won’t that be funny?
Me: No. No, not really.
Body: Haha, I was distracting you while you ate that entire duck.

So you get a blog post, and I get more things to regret in the morning.

I have to pass a qualifying drive to pass the drivers ed class and I failed twice. I guess I have no common sense. Have you ever failed before? Seems like the tiger cubs have no flaws in them, but there's no success without failure. As a role model, can you tell me what to do? P.S. I'm not stupid. I've won math and writing competitions, and I've received straight A's up to this point.

I fail constantly. People assume the huge scar on my knee is from ACL surgery, when in reality I tripped over my feet and faceplanted on the sidewalk. I wrote a post about failing here. As for the driving test: You’ll pass! Don’t worry, my parents and boyfriend think I’m a terrible driver, and I still got a license! Stake out the area and do a practice drive the day before, memorizing all the stop signs or whatever. During the road test, check your rearview mirror in a super exaggerated way. Call the DMV guy “sir.” If it’s a woman, it’s hopeless and you should just go home. Best of luck, I'm rooting for you :)

You need to get some new poses. You pose the same way (head tilt, arm on hip, and I'm better than you smile) in every picture on your site.

Clearly, your 8th grade yearbook did not feature a full-page candid of you with your mouth hanging open while wearing a neon green fat suit in a batting cage at the Halloween Fair. And you guys thought I was traumatized by my parents! That said, in order to prove that I am able to make other faces, I bestow upon you this gem:

Why do you and your mom have very high-heeled shoes? Do you really need them or is it like saying "I wish I could be taller?" It gives me a sense that you cannot accept fully what you are or the shorter version of you.

Yes, you are right. I wear heels because my life is fraught with insecurity and self-loathing. Someday, when I accept the true me, I will abandon high heels. I will also never shave, bathe, or floss again, as those are all things we do because we can’t embrace who we really are.

And since you asked, and I like physics: high heels cause an upward shift in a woman’s center of gravity. The body adjusts by arching the spine, which a) increases sway in the back, therefore maintaining balance, and b) pushes the chest out and buttocks back, giving the illusion of a more shapely figure. High heels also tighten the calves and tilt the buttocks anywhere from 30 to 40 degrees, making them appear more perky (scientific word) and therefore desirable to potential romantic prospects.

I went there.

Leave me a comment or leave me to wallow in my shame. Next post will have content I promise. Goodnight!